


The Sixth Hour

by rpslover



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, Religious Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-17
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-18 21:17:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/565403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rpslover/pseuds/rpslover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an time jumping, college/post trauma AU, songfic with dark themes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Matthew 27:45 - ”From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land.”
> 
> The song lyrics are from Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love”

**_“Come on skinny love just last the year”_ **

Philip remembered the day he met Colton Dixon like it was yesterday. The images were crisp and bright.  He could smell the grass in front of the applied technology building; feel the warm air on his skin. The humidity was bearable if you hurried and got from building to building quickly.

Colton had been standing under a crisp white tent in front of a banner that read “Jesus Christ is Acceptance”. The table in front of Colton was smattered with religious informational pamphlets. Phillip had a picture perfect memory of the smile Colton had been wearing. He looked vibrant and happy. 

**_“Pour a little salt, we were never here”_ **

The sound of retching made Philip’s brow crease. He tried to keep the look of disgust off his face. The disgust was with himself. He pressed his palms to his eyes and tried to breathe. When Colton came out of the bathroom, Phillip got the chills. His skin prickled and his muscles tightened. He gripped his pen tighter and tried to focus on his biology notes for the tenth time. 

He saw Colton collapse down on their bed. He was without a vestige of his former self. A skeleton in more ways than Phillip could bring himself to analyze. 

**_“My, my, my, my, my, my, my.”_ **

Phillip remembered a hundred days he’d walked by the table with the religious pamphlets on it without a second glance. He could only remember one day when he stopped.

Colton had beamed. Phillip’s skin had itched, embarrassed for the boy. How could he be so wholesome? 

But when Colton spoke, Phillip listened. On that day he didn’t just walk by.

“Have you accepted our Lord Jesus Christ into your heart?” 

Phillip attempted to look neutral. He bit his lip and told this stranger something he’d never said out loud.

“I’m gay.”

Colton’s brow creased and his smile vanished and to Phillip his reaction spoke volumes. Phillip turned his back and walked away as quickly as possible. Colton had stammered something too late for Phillip to hear before Phillip disappeared into an air conditioned sanctuary. He could still feel the way the shirt had clung to his body, damp with sweat.   

**_“Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer”_ **

Phillip dropped his pen on the desk. His biology notes were sloppy and simple and he didn’t care because they were done.  He turned off his desk lamp leaving the only light in the room bleeding in from the moon. It shined in a bright, broken sliver though the curtains. He shuffled downstairs as quietly as possible. He located his toothbrush in the medicine cabinet of the guest bathroom. He hadn’t used the master bath in months. The smell of scented candles and vomit made his stomach churn.

He stared at the yellow, rubber ducky nightlight that Colton’s sister Schyler had gotten them as a house warming gift. She couldn’t look Phillip in the eyes anymore. His own eyes resolutely avoided the mirror. He couldn’t look himself in the eyes anymore.

**_“I tell my love to wreck it all”_ **

It seemed to Phillip that he saw the blonde, table boy all over campus after their initial run-in. He was always walking along with someone with a huge smile on his face. Even in passing he was able to watch how Colton changed people. Colton shared his light with others and they bathed in it.

And, without realizing it, when Phillip need light the most Colton was there.

**_“Cut out all the ropes and let me fall”_ **

The third and fifth steps creaked. Phillip avoided them. He pushed the door open and stared across the bedroom at their bed. Last summer when he’d gotten his promotion they’d gone a picked it out together.

They’d shared ice cream and had lunch together at this little place on the bay that Colton swore had the best salmon salad. They’d upgraded to a California King and had enjoyed christening every inch of the monstrously big bed.

**_“My, my, my, my, my, my, my.”_ **

Colton had found Phillip in his favorite place, a secluded waterfall near the Horticulture Department. It was shady and always smelled like exotic flowers. He liked doing his homework there because the sound of running water helped him concentrate.

He had almost jumped out of his skin when Colton laid his hand on Phillip’s shoulder.

“I’m gay too. You should come to our prayer group. It’s open to everyone; you can have the light of the Lord no matter who you are. What you are.

Phillip looked up expecting to see Colton standing there with his trademark smile. Instead he saw a lifetime of being a disappointment on Colton’s face. He saw the same sadness, guilt and shame that he’d grown up with. But Colton’s eyes also told Phillip another story; one of bravery and sincerity.

“Here’s our card. My number is on the back if you ever need to talk.” Colton turned and walked back up the hill toward the parking lot.

Phillip turned the card over in his hand a few times before looking at it. The color was a crisp white and the writing was neat and simple.

UT Knoxville Prayer Group

Every 1st and 3rd Sunday

6PM – 1528 Knight St

Everyone Welcome

There was a gold embossed dove in the top corner and Phillip ran his thumb across it before flipping it over. In tiny, beautiful cursive was Colton’s name and phone number.

**_“Right in this moment this order’s tall”_ **

Phillip pulled the blankets back, slipped out of his boxers and slid between the clean sheets. Everything was clean, sterile and it all made Phillip feel claustrophobic. Phillip reached over and put his hand on Colton’s waist. Phillip’s heart dropped when Colton’s slight frame shifted out of his grasp.

Phillip’s blood stilled, his eyes focused on the parts of Colton he could see in the moonlight. Every muscle in his body tensed. He could feel the resentment defile him, the exasperation crawl up his spine. It gripped his shoulders and squeezed.

His hand shot across the expanse of the bed. Colton didn’t resist this time as Phillip dragged him across the bed and into Phillip’s chest.


	2. II

**_“And I told you to be patient”_ **

Phillip had sat in his car on Knight Street for hours. He ran the AC until his gas light came on and then cursed the heat. Once he turned the AC off the seconds felt like hours.

There were so many cars. There were cars with bumper stickers.  They were bumper stickers that said things about god. These cars had drivers Phillip could not imagine having a sane conversation with. What was it about Colton that had Phillip so twisted that he driven over here? Phillip laid his head on the steering wheel and sighed.

Everyone started leaving about nine and Phillip had to wonder if they’d been discussing religion the whole time. He finally got out of his car; his body creaked and protested his inactivity. He prayed for a cool breeze and instead felt the same humid death he’d been experiencing for hours. Once the last set of tail lights disappeared he jogged across the street. The small house was simple and white. There was a thin gold cross on the door. Underneath the cross was a scripture carved into a piece of driftwood.

“Now therefore may it please you to bless the house of your servant, so that it may continue forever before you. For you, O Lord God, have spoken and with your blessing shall the house of your servant be blessed forever.” 2 Samuel 7:29

Just as Phillip’s eyes absorbed the last line of the Bible verse the porch light shut off. A feeling of shame pervaded him on the dark porch; it crawled under his skin and out into his fingertips bringing him into himself. He folded, he was pathetic.

“Hey.” A soft voice came from behind him. Phillip spun around and saw Colton standing there on the sidewalk. Colton was wearing a bright green messenger bag and a cute smile and slowly the shame started to ebb.

“You’re late.” Colton’s deadpan humor surprised Phillip and he laughed as he shuffled down the walkway toward Colton.

“Yeah, traffic.” He grinned and looked up and down the empty street before letting his eyes drift to Colton in a squinty smile. Just a moment ago he’d felt so empty and just being near Colton for a few seconds had his sprit feeling lifted. He shoved his hands deep in his pockets and didn’t resist when Colton pulled him into a tight hug. Colton blushed when he stepped away and pointed up the street.

“Do you wanna hang at my place? It’s not too late.”

**_“And I told you to be fine”_ **

Colton’s body was tense and still but he let Phillip hold him through the night. Neither of them spoke but Phillip knew that neither of them got any sleep. The bedroom had been as hot as a furnace and Phillip had ended up on top of the blankets by midnight. Colton was always cold; he’d lost twenty pounds in the last six months. Twenty pound he didn’t have to spare in Phillip’s opinion and it scared the shit out of him.

Colton never smiled anymore; he didn’t talk to anyone, go to church or even leave the house. Phillip couldn’t bring himself to think about the catalyst for Colton’s physical and mental decay. Six months ago both their lives changed and it was Phillip’s fault. He knew. Colton knew it.

So Phillip got up every day. He went to work. He went to school. He went shopping. He even went to Colton’s goddamn church every Sunday and lied through his teeth. He told the congregation that Colton was fine; that he was getting better with each day, that their prayers were working, that he’d be back to lead the hymns before they knew it.

In reality Colton was wasting away and Phillip couldn’t do anything to stop him.

**_“And I told you to be balanced”_ **

Colton had taken him home that night. He’d walked with Phillip the three blocks from his friend’s house, where they held the Bible study, to his apartment complex. He lived upstairs and as Phillip followed him up he couldn’t believe the sinful thoughts playing with his mind. Phillip started to get weary again; maybe this wasn’t the boy for him. Maybe it was wrong of him to take advantage? Could you take advantage of an adult who willingly brought you into his home? Why did Phillip feel so damn guilty? When Colton unlocked the door and invited Phillip inside he knew exactly why he felt guilty. Phillip had been inside the houses and apartments of his fellow college students and none of them were quite like this. It wasn’t overly religious like Phillip thought it was going to be but it wasn’t normal.

Everything was clean and tidy. There wasn’t any dust or trash anywhere. Books were neat and on their shelves, probably even organized although Phillip couldn’t tell. There were family photos on the wall. Family photos. Phillip shook his head when Colton asked him if he’d like glass of water.

“Ya know man, maybe I should just get going.” He shifted his weight toward the door and tried to give off a tired vibe to possibly avoid hurting Colton’s feelings.

Colton looked confused for a second then slightly disappointed. Phillip died a little, he was an ass.

“Are you sure I can’t get you some water? It’s not that late yet.” Colton’s voice was small and Phillip was sure he couldn’t hate himself any more then he already did.

“Yeah, actually sure. Water sounds good…refreshing.” He told himself to shut it because Colton was already in the kitchen and he was babbling. He took a seat on one of Colton’s perfectly clean couches and put his head in his hands. What was he going to do with this boy? Phillip’s body knew what it wanted to do.

**_“And I told you to be kind”_ **

It wasn’t Phillip’s fault that they’d lost Isabella. What happened wasn’t anyone’s fault. But what he’d done afterward was unforgivable. How he’d chosen to cope had ruined any chance he had of getting his family back; of getting his happiness back.

After the hours in the hospital he had nowhere to go. Colton’s mother had taken him home with them. She’d offered Phillip her home as well but he’d declined, he knew how Colton’s family felt about them. They’d never approved of Colton moving in with him. After the first year or so they had come around to a certain degree, they loved Colton and that was Phillip’s only redeeming quality. He made Colton happy, or he used to.

They had lost their new daughter and Colton’s mother was a kind woman, she had offered him a place to stay that wasn’t in his and Colton’s house. The house with Isabella’s crib and her clothes and her and them everywhere as a family. He couldn’t go with Colton to his parent’s house and he couldn’t bring himself to go to his own house. So he’d gone out. He’d made the worst mistake of his life.

**_“And now all your love is wasted?”_ **

It was close to midnight when Phillip finally broke. They’d talked about everything from Batman to speed boat racing. They had an insane amount in common and Phillip’s mind was blown by how smart and articulate Colton was. It was when Phillip got tired and everything just started reminding him about sex or reminding him about a joke about sex that he had to tell Colton what had been on his mind all night.

“Okay kid, I don’t know if I’m a very good influence for you.” Phillip gulped the last of his water and leaned back into the comfortable couch. He watched Colton with measuring eyes.

To his credit Colton’s good mood didn’t waiver. He just stared at Phillip for a while then got up and refilled both of their water glasses.  This time he sat right next to Phillip instead of on the chair across from him. Colton finally spoke, just when the silence was getting to be too much for Phillip to handle.

“Are you supposed to be?” Colton’s question caught Phillip off guard. He’d gone around and around in his head so many times that he’d forgotten what he’d said. Colton smiled at Phillip’s blank stare.

“A good influence. Are you supposed to be one? Because the way I see it is I’ve got plenty of positive influences in my life. Honestly I think you’re the one who needs a good influence! Which means I’m perfect for you.” Colton finished with a soft smile. Colton crossed his legs and leaned against Phillip’s shoulder.

Phillip saw himself uncrossing those legs and rubbing his stubble across creamy, pale thighs. Phillip gave Colton a small smile back. This boy had no idea… and he’d just made Phillip feel okay about that.

**_“And then who the hell was I?”_ **

Phillip slammed his fist down on his alarm and rolled back over. He sleepily pulled Colton against him. He smelled good. Phillip was peppering little kisses across Colton’s freckly shoulders when the boy woke up. He made a strangled noise and then attempted to push himself away from Phillip as fast as possible.

“Phil…” Colton was struggling to get away from him. But he’d let him hold him last night. Phillip’s brain started to wake up too. Every morning for the last six months Phillip had let everything go. He didn’t want to let Colton get away from him again.

He didn’t feel angry like the night before. He almost felt defeated; like he’d been holding up a faulty structure and it was going to crash down on him. They had never talked about what Phillip did. 


	3. III

**_“And now I’m breaking at the bridges”_ **

Phillip had never been someone’s boyfriend until Colton. He’d had a high school girlfriend and ended up having her younger brother give him head after the homecoming game. He decided to focus on figuring himself out after that.

Until Colton.

Colton was the best boyfriend Phillip could imagine. He told him when he was full of shit and Phillip really liked it, he couldn’t imagine a girl telling him off like that. Colton loved to have fun and he would plan stuff for them to do together, stuff that wouldn’t even cross Phillip’s mind; like hikes and picnics. But surprisingly what Phillip liked the most was that Colton would not have any kind of sexual relationship with him. When they held hands Phillip’s heart would stop, when Colton kissed him the world would stop spinning; but that’s all Colton would give him.

“If you like it then you better put a ring on it.” Colton had told him one day. Phillip had been teasing him about a very raunchy karaoke performance he’d witnessed the night before. They were eating their lunch on the lawn outside the health building and Colton was laughing and joking and doing his best Beyonce.

Phillip found it hilarious that the following Saturday he was downtown at a jewelry store trying to match Colton to a variety of gaudy engagement rings. He didn’t find anything until he looked online at a ring store for men. He ended up deciding on two matching gold bands and then it was just a matter of time for him to work up to asking Colton’s father.

**_“And at the end of all your lines”_ **

“I love you Colton.” The words were much harder to say then he’d wanted them to be. They hadn’t rested in his mouth in a very long time. Colton stopped struggling against him. He took a breath and forced himself to let go of Colton’s small frame.

“I’m sorry, I know I’ve said it a thousand times in a thousand ways but it’s true and I’ll keep saying it until you hear it.” Phillip rolled out of the bed and grabbed his towel. He had to be at work in an hour and he didn’t want to be late. He looked over at the bed, Colton was just laying there motionless, staring out the window. He sighed and started to go downstairs.

“Phillip” Colton didn’t look at him but it was the first time he’d said his name in a long time so Phillip turned and regarded Colton’s still body.

“I know you’re sorry. I just don’t know if it’s enough. If it is or it will ever be.” Colton got up slowly and went into the master bath without even looking at him.

Phillip took a long shower. He would make it through this. They would make it through this.

**_“Who will love you?”_ **

Colton had practically been glowing at their engagement party. He was wearing a pressed white shirt and a black vest. He’d picked out a simple black button-up for Phillip to wear while making fun of his fashion sense, or lack thereof. They’d invited everyone to Colton’s family home for dinner and the place was packed. Phillip was truly happy that Colton had said yes, that he would agree to marry him and spend the rest of his life with him made Phillip the happiest man alive. He beamed and graciously accepted everyone’s well wishes. He knew what they all knew; he was the lucky one in this relationship. Colton was a catch, he’d heard it over and over again and nobody knew how true it was more than Phillip.

“Hey.” He came up behind Colton in the rose garden behind his parent’s house.

“Hey.” Colton pulled him in for a long kiss and Phillip could taste the champagne on his lips. The idea of Colton drinking made him smile. Colton always got clingy when he consumed alcohol. To emphasis Phillip’s point Colton’s hand slid to his hips and around to tuck into the back pockets of his black jeans.

“Feelin’ frisky?” His eyebrow crept up and Colton laughed.

“And what if I am? I am soon to be Mr. Colton Phillips. What if Colton Phillips is a little friskier than Colton Dixon? Do you still want me?” Colton’s playful smile drove Phillip crazy and he pulled Colton in tight against his chest.

“Yes. I want you. Now. Later this evening. Tomorrow morning. I’m sure next week and pretty much for the rest of eternity if you’re available?” Colton smiled into his chest and looked up into his eyes.

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

**_“Who will fight?”_ **

Colton wasn’t in the house when Phillip got home from work. Phillip was in a panic by the time he found Colton in the backyard. Colton was kneeling next to the tree Phillip had planted the day before they brought Isabella home from the adoption agency. Phillip approached slowly and knelt beside Colton. He could see a picture of Isabella in Colton’s hand.

“She was a beautiful girl.” Phillip knew he could ruin this chance with Colton if he said the wrong thing but he had to try. He had to say something and there was no fact truer then Isabella being the most beautiful baby girl that he’d ever laid eyes on.

“She was wasn’t she?” Colton looked at him with a small smile and Phillip’s heart stopped.

**_“Who will fall far behind?”_ **


End file.
